I’m a Doubting Thomas, Oh Me of Little Faith
My first name is Ross, but you might as well call me Thomas, because I am full of doubt.
What?! Missionaries are not supposed to be full of doubt. They are not supposed to doubt their calling to the mission field. They are supposed to be full of confidence and encouragement, full of enthusiasm for the ministry to which they have been called. Well, that’s a bunch of BULL! At least when it comes to me and my journey towards Colombia. This past year and a half has been some of the most trying and challenging times in mine and Angela’s lives. Please allow me to explain what I mean.
Going to the foreign mission field is a calling that both Angela and I have felt on our lives since before we married. We both knew that missions, more specifically in Latin America, was the ultimate “career” goal for ourselves. So when we went through the process of getting approved, we were filled with excitement and a great expectation for the future and for what God had in store for us. I guess I had the expectation of, “I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.” (The Elf) and BAM we will be going to Bogotá. “Samsonite, I was way off!” (Dumb and Dumber) The process of getting to the Colombia has been filled with frustration, disappointment, and doubt. Buddy the Elf had it easy!
Our journey to Colombia has been filled with more rejections than I am willing to receive. It seems at times that for each Yes, there is 50 No’s. Clearly this is an exaggeration, but this is honestly how I feel sometimes. I have doubt filled questions and comparisons of “Why is it so easy for other missionaries?”, “Why are they not struggling like we are?”, “How come no one seems to be telling them No?”
As I am writing this I realize how much like a baby I sound. I just feel like I need to be completely honest and open to be an effective minister of the Gospel.
I am full of doubt, full of questions, and not full of faith. I am a “Doubting Thomas,” who won’t believe it until I see it. I won’t feel like we are actually going to get to the field until we start to get a bunch of support and we can see the end in sight. I am so amazed and grateful for the support that we have already received. But, at times I honestly feel like it’s not coming fast enough. That my timing is better that God’s timing. If He would just do things my way we can get to Bogotá and work for His name’s sake. (Feel free to slap me across the back of head.)
The fact is, I know God is using this time to work in me and prepare me for when we get to the mission field. I know that when we get to Bogotá that the devil is going to say “Game On.” My prayer is that I will stand firmly on James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Please continue to lift Angela and I up in your prayers. Pray that I will not be so easily discouraged and full of doubt. Also pray that as we are raising support that we would desire to grow in our relationship with Christ, that we would never feel like we have arrived.
God, please make my feet firm and steadfast!